


the blame diminishes as the guilt increases

by formosus_iniquis



Category: American Vandal (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Guilt, M/M, Season/Series 02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-21
Updated: 2019-01-21
Packaged: 2019-10-13 18:52:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,545
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17493362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/formosus_iniquis/pseuds/formosus_iniquis
Summary: "Do you want this to be your fault?""Someone needs to be responsible for this."---Peter has a guilty conscience and Sam does what he can to help.





	the blame diminishes as the guilt increases

It was well past midnight when Peter darkened Sam's door.

Even after countless nights of Peter sleeping over at his house, almost a full year of them as an actual couple, and a little over a month of them staying at the Lyman's guest house with no real supervision  it still sends a thrill down Sam's spine. That electric romantic feeling, the butterflies in his stomach, all of it because he gets to see Peter the way no one else gets to. Sam loves it. He loves him.

"About time you got up here," Sam said, "I was starting to think you were going to make me sleep alone."

Sam had only been in bed for an hour, Chloe had left and Peter had sent him to bed when he couldn't stop yawning with the promise that he'd be up once he finished saving all their footage from the day. Sam had expected it to take a while, Peter always had to make back ups of his back ups, but he hadn't expected to make it through his personal and professional twitter timelines before Peter came up.

But Peter is here now, and for a second all Sam can think is how happy he is that he'll get another night where he can fall asleep in Peter's arms.

The problem with knowing someone as well as he knows Peter, Sam can tell even in the dark that Peter has been crying. It's in the set of his shoulders, the resigned curve of his back, the way his hoodie sleeves are pulled even lower over his hands so he could wipe at his eyes.

"Babe, what's wrong?"

Peter slumps face down on the bed, another sign that he's been crying.

"Tired," Peter's one word answer is muffled by the blanket his face was buried in.

"Liar," Sam runs his hand through Peter's hair, to soften the accusation but mostly because he can. "You can tell me what's wrong, y'know, I won't make fun of you like you laughed at me for tearing up at that gum commercial."

Peter turns his head just enough that he can look up at Sam. His glasses have been smushed into his face from his flop onto the mattress and they don't hide at all how he's definitely giving Sam his unimpressed look. Sam just gives him a small smile and tries to act like he can't tell for sure that Peter's eyes are still red rimmed, or that he's happy that Peter has actually given him a response.

"Promise," Sam tries again.

Peter sits up a little more. He had never fully made it onto the bed, and still hasn't. He's bent back at the waist, his back laying across the middle of the bed with his head now laying on Sam's stomach. Peter is staring up at the ceiling, but at least he's looking up now. Sam thinks it's cute how his legs dangle off the bed, not quite touching the floor, but he keeps that to himself for now.

"That gum commercial wasn't even sad."

"I will fucking end your life. We aren't talking about a commercial with an excellent cover that reminded me what romance looks like." Peter's letting his hair grow out, Sam's not sure why but he likes the way it falls into Peter's face when he doesn't have it gelled back. Sam always likes an excuse to touch Peter, to remind himself that he can, he brushes Peter's hair out of his face now. "Talk to me."

"I don't think I'm cut out for this."

Sam's hand stills just to the side of Peter's face. It sounds like a breakup, he hadn't expected a break up.

"Oh," Sam's voice shakes, but doesn't break. He loves Peter too much to make this about him right now, and he can't imagine letting a decade of friendship go just because Peter doesn't want to date.

"Yeah."

Silence creeps back in around them like it's called to the darkness of the room. Sam doesn't trust his voice, doesn't trust himself not to say something he might regret right now.

"I mean it's my fault, isn't it?" Peter asked.

Sam is torn between potential heartbreak and the impulses of a lifelong friendship that run so much deeper. "I don't know if it’s anyone's fault, this shit happens."

Peter takes in a shuddery breath. Sam can feel the way he shakes, like Peter's just one wrong move away from falling apart again. Sam wants to hold him. Sam doesn't want to touch him.

"Really," Peter asks, words tinged with the sound of left over tears and the sarcasm that's holding back more, "because you were the one who wanted to go to the cops. I think  _ I'm _ the one who needed the last word."

"Wait, what?" Sam asked. Confusion and relief were warring for priority in his mind, this wasn't about him.

"The final dump," Peter said. His voice raising just enough that it might be considered a wail and his nose curling just slightly at the name. "I ruined those people's lives, Sam. Every time we do this someone ends up getting hurt."

Sam can feel his relief burn into something more like outrage. "What the hell are you talking about, Peter? You didn't do anything," it feels ridiculous to even say. "Grayson did all of this?"

"But-"

"But what," Sam asked. Peter still isn't looking at him, his gaze is locked on the ceiling and doesn't show any sign of moving. It's harder to resist giving into the temptation to touch now that Sam knows he's not the one Peter is mad at. He pushes Peter's hair from his face again, moving and playing with it, just to remind Peter that he's there. "You didn't make Grayson do this, you didn't make him hit upload. All you did was try to prove that Kevin didn't do any of this, and I think we can say he probably didn't."

"But I had to have the last word." Peter's hands fly out from his chest, an explosion of movement as he opens himself up for the attack he wants from Sam. It's his only evidence and he's making sure it's presented. Sam just does his best not to flinch as a hand comes sailing toward his face.

Sam takes that hand that almost hit him in the face. "What would have happened if you hadn't said anything, Peter? Honestly, like he was fucking the worst."

"Jenna wouldn't have been humiliated. DeMarcus wouldn't have had his dick pics leaked. Fuck, Drew-"

"Stop," Sam said, Peter was winding himself up as he spoke and it was only leading to disaster. "Babe, everything about this has been planned with a disgusting amount of foresight, tell me that you don't really think that Grayson didn't already have a final dump day planned."

"We can't know that-"

"We can't know anything, what are you even talking about?"

Peter huffed, and Sam felt bad immediately. The tough love approach obviously wasn't what Peter needed today.

They were still working on their communication.

It was different as a couple, not in an obvious way --- Sam was still more likely to call Peter dude than babe --- but miscommunication came with a lot more weight when a romance and a friendship were at stake.

"I'm sorry," Sam said, " that's not helping."

"It's not. That's surprisingly aware of you."

"Alright dick," Sam said, squeezing Peter's hand. The tear tracks had dried on Peter's face and Sam couldn't stop his open hand from moving over to wipe them away. "Do you  _ wan _ t this to be your fault?"

" _ Someone _ needs to be responsible for this." 

" _ Someone _ is, dude, Grayson did this. He's been taken in already."

"But what about the people that have been hurt already?" Peter rolled further onto the bed, it's awkward, neither want to let go of their joined hands. They're close enough to whisper, by the time they're both still again. Peter still isn't looking at his face but he's laying on his side, mirroring Sam, looking at their joined hands. 

"What about them? We already talked to Jenna, we know she was blackmailed by Grayson and she's rich, she probably isn't going to get in much trouble."

"That's not the point."

"Okay," Sam said, he wanted Peter to look at him but Peter could be weird about eye contact on a day where he hadn't cried, "what's the point then, Pete?"

"I ruined their lives."

It was dark in the guest room, but this was a conversation that belonged in the dark. Peter opened up when he wasn't the sole focus of attention, it's why he liked interviewing, he could run the show without being on camera. While mostly being off camera, Sam was a little guilty of sneaking that jaw line into frame when he wasn't paying attention.

Now it was Sam's time to interview, to get Peter to open up even though he was all Sam could focus on. Peter was usually all Sam could focus on.

"Did I miss when you pretended to be a pretty redhead to manipulate a bunch of people into becoming emotionally vulnerable and also send you nudes, because that might be a deal breaker for me."

"Sammy," Peter wasn't smiling, but sometimes the trick was to change the focus so that Peter was frustrated with someone other than himself and he was definitely more upset with Sam right now, "be serious."

"I'm dead serious. How has anyone's life been ruined, really other than Grayson who like honestly deserves it."

"Jenna isn't ever going to be able to show her face at St. Bernie's." Peter said. Sam had the feeling that Peter had developed a soft spot for Jenna Hawthorne and it was a feeling Sam shared.

"Jenna is probably one of the strongest people we've met here. You're really underestimating her and her bad bitch energy." Sam had also slipped Jenna's instagram handle to Gabi and had started talking to Jenna more himself. "She's only got a couple months left here and she's got the fucking world in front of her."

"What about DeMarcus?" Peter said, finally meeting Sam's eyes now that the challenge had been thrown down. "What's going to happen to him now?"

"Dude, DeMarcus will be fine. The only thing hurting his game at St. Bernie's is abstinence-only education. And he's an athlete, I don't think the fact that people have seen his dick is gonna keep the best high school athlete in the country from going wherever he wants. Really you should be apologizing to me, cause this is the second time I've had to look at a stranger's dick for this show."

Sam considers any Peter laugh a hard-won gift, but especially the sharp exhale of a laugh that Peter didn't want to exist. "I didn't make you do it."

"Well it's not like I could let you look."

"Not sure why when DeMarcus likes you better anyway." He says it with a pout, Sam wants to kiss it off more than he's wanted to kiss Peter before. But they're not done with this yet, he can't.

"Well I'm cute and charming, that's how I got you."

Sam's mistake is he left Peter's anxiety a wide open door to walk through.

"And I keep destroying people's lives and that's how I'll lose you."

Sam squeezed their joined hands, hard. He had heard all of the refrains on young love and how long it lasted but the thought of losing Peter wasn't one he was willing to entertain. "Don't even joke."

"I'm not joking Sammy." He inched closer in an awkward shuffle they would normally laugh at, but the distance was too much and the conversation too serious to go back to laughing. "You can talk your way around Jenna and DeMarcus but what about Drew-"

"You're right, I missed the part where you held that gun to his head and made him do all that weird shit on camera."

"And Mr. Gisualdi." Peter finished with a glare at Sam. 

"Yeah the fully 30 year old teacher who was texting a girl who was at most 18, if you're feeling generous, I'm feeling really sad that  _ he _ lost his job working in a position of authority of kids that same age. He sent a picture of his  _ dick _ to that fake account. He was like one emotional office hour away from giving someone an A for the year for a handy under the desk.

"And before you even say it, I don't feel bad about fucking Kraz getting fired either. He was also a creep and he always gave me a look when he'd call something in history gay. Like first of all, just don't say it. Second of all, I'm bi anyway -- not that it matters. And third of all, I wasn't even out so he was just being a dick cause I did theatre. So like I am actually really here for this teacher's edition of to catch a predator that we've been doing."

"That's my point, Sam," Peter said. Sam feels their knees brush as Peter curls even tighter in on himself.

"No, so far your point has been trying to find a cross to throw yourself on. I've not come even close to making that point."

"All I've done is ruin people's lives, everywhere we go."

"Sounds fake, but okay," Sam was looking for a line between teasing and being absolutely furious with his boyfriend for being so ridiculous. Sam understood the battle with anxiety, but even he couldn't find the crack that it had managed to grab hold of.

"Did you ever think we'd get popular from this?" Peter asked. He's tired. Rubs at his eyes like he can still feel the sting of leftover tears, he can't work his way around his words the way he normally does. Sam takes advantage, gently pinches the edges of Peter's frames and pulls his glasses from his face. Tucking them away on the table on his side of the bed was his favorite way of holding Peter hostage in the morning.

"From Vandal?"

"Was it ever something you thought about?"

"No."

"Not even for a second?"

"I did Vandal with you 'cause you asked me to, Pete. Not because I thought we might get popular." A laugh bubbled up without his permission when he thought about their first season, "Which is good."

"There," Peter squints now as he points, he avoids taking out one of Sam's eyes just barely.

"Where?"

"That's what I'm talking about! We messed with people, how many reputations did I ruin just because I wanted to."

It was too late to be having this conversation, a realization that Sam had come to much too late to actually do something about. Like every sleepover conversation things had derailed and it was too late to stop them from falling off of the tracks.

"We didn't show anything that people hadn't already been talking about." He leaves out the part where they then posted their stupid high school gossip on the internet for the world to see, Peter already knew that; and if the point wasn't coming up soon then Sam didn't really need to add fuel to this fire.

"But why did I need to include it at all? Why did we have to put Sara on blast for her sex life? We broke Gabi and Brandon up right before prom. I humiliated Mackenzie-"

"Mackenzie was going to let Dylan take the fall for a full ass, real fucking felony because she didn't want to hurt his feelings that she had found someone else while they were on a break. She didn't deserve for that to come out like it did, but I'm not going to feel that sorry for her, dude."

"Well, what about-"

"Peter, dude," the hand that isn't already holding Peter's curls around the shell of his ear, tipping Peter's head just slightly closer to Sam's forcing him to look Sam in the eye, "baby, there is nothing,  _ nothing _ you can bring up right now that I'm gonna let you take the blame on here. Okay? Did we, and it's a  _ we _ okay, I was in that editing room too even if it was just to keep you from pulling a million all-nighters. You did something no one else was doing. You were updating,  _ live _ , as the investigation was taking place. How do you find a narrative when the narrative is still happening. Every potentially important detail needed to be included, otherwise when it came up later it wouldn't make sense."

"But-"

"But you're a slut for punishment," Peter's glare is softened by his missing glasses. "Kidding! But you're,  _ we _ 're inexperienced and playing with an unfamiliar medium. I doubt fucking like HBO spent as much time agonizing over narrative directions as you did when they were making Paradise Lost. And they implied that one kid's step-dad did it."

"Have you been binging true crime again?"

"Just the good ones. And honestly Peter for everything you've done to  _ ruin _ ," Sam can't help the sarcastic hand gesture that slips out, but he thinks his fingers are moving just out of Peter's field of vision, "someone's life. You've done it to yourself too. How many American Apparel catalogs got stuffed in your locker sophomore year?"

"At least three a week. There's only been fifteen this year though."

"You outed yourself publicly for the entire school, like shit dude."

Sam was running out of points and steam. The stress of the day was starting to catch up to him. He would do anything to make Peter feel better, really, but he didn't love reliving the memory of some of the hardest months of his sophomore year. Vandal had given it a good edit and time had softened it's edges, but the dick-tastrophe had taken it's toll on all of them by the end.

He was thankful that Peter seemed to pause at this point. It wasn't the one he expected to stick, of all of them, but Sam was thankful for the break.

"It doesn't matter what I say," Peter asked, finally, "does it? You're going to find a way to twist it."

"Pretty much." Sam agreed.

Sam wouldn't say that he was the founder and president of the Peter Maldonado is a Cinnamon Roll Who Can Do No Wrong fan club, mostly because Peter can and has done wrong and Sam was usually right there to watch it. Peter had his faults and Sam was intimately familiar with almost all of them, but Peter's strengths were many and chief among those was how he cared too much and too deep. It gave his anxiety place to roost, and Sam would die on any and every hill he had to so that Peter wouldn't blame himself for stupid shit.

"Why?

"Cause I'm with you 'til the end of the line."

Peter smiled, small and shy. It was like the sun peeking out from behind the clouds, the storm had passed. "Your Captain America obsession is going to be the death of this relationship."

"I love you Peter, but that's the worst thing you have  _ ever _ said for me."

"Oh." Peter blinked owlishly back at Sam, eyes on full, dramatically wide display without his glasses on.

"What?"

"No, I- uh-"

Sam didn't realize his mistake immediately. When he had thought about how much he loved Peter almost every day since they had started dating, it slipping out wasn't going to get flagged right away. When they used to say it, for stupid stuff, before Sam got nervous that the words meant something new now that kissing was involved. But now that he was looking into wide brown eyes and he could feel the clicking, not quite silence of a room where Peter was thinking too hard about something, now his words caught up to him fully.

"Shit, I mean you don't-"

"No fuck you-" Sam flinched at Peter's words even though he said it in the same tone he'd been using all night, Sam couldn't help it, "shit no I'm sorry, just, I love you too."

"That came out a little-"

"Yeah well, you never let me get a word in. You're always interrupting me."

"You shushed  _ me _ ."

"Yeah," Peter said. Sam hadn't needed to hear it back. Peter was loves truck and Sam could see it in his face every day, he could. It was in the way that Peter held his hand any time they were in the car. The way he always made sure Sam's half of the pizza had olives even though Peter hated them and they always ended up on both sides anyway. The way Peter had a smile that was only Sam's. 

But he still liked to hear it. 

"I love you."

But he was still Sam, "You're the worst."

And he was still Peter, "You don't think that."

"No, I don't."

"You're going to ask Drew a bunch of weird and uncomfortable questions tomorrow aren't you."

Sam smiled, "Babe, you know me so well."

Peter smiled back, letting his body relax and tip that much closer to Sam's. "And there's nothing I can do to stop you?"

"Nope, so no sense blaming yourself."

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on [tumblr](https://formosusiniquis.tumblr.com/) if this link even works anymore


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